When Fear Sets In…
Last week was rough, I’m not going to lie.
Lying in bed with chills as Tim doubled-up the comforter over me, my greatest fear was Dengue Fever. It’s a very real risk in Bali, and in SE Asia, where we are living for 7 months.
As I lay there miserable, I thought of all the things that make sickness different when you’re not at home, when you’re in a place with a foreign system and a different language. I reminded Tim where our travel insurance policy is and how to use it for medical (I think? Never used it before). I told him how to find my “Bali” notes where I had a doctor listed that could hopefully at least refer us to someone on the north shore where we were staying in Lovina…a few hours off the most touristed path. I googled symptoms that include very high fever and delirium and was worried for Tim to handle things without my brain bank full of the stuff to run our life. In fact, with my family history of Alzheimer’s, such thoughts bring great worries of the future…and why not worry about that too while I’m already worrying?
He watched me sleep fitfully all night in between bathroom runs as he himself had a case of Bali Belly (for my US friends, it’s the same as Montezuma’s revenge in Mexico). Both of us sick. Not a great scenario.
Fortunately (?), my own stomach issues and fever that didn’t soar too high, assuring us our Dengue fears were unwarranted and I too had Bali Belly, just manifesting a little differently with the fever. The dengue fear follows though…those teeny mosquitoes are carriers.
When I’m feeling vulnerable, it feels almost inevitable that we’ll contract it someday, somewhere.
When feeling strong, I remind myself that we spent 30 years in an area where mosquitoes carry West Nile Virus (one of the most deadly in the world), we even knew of people who got bad cases, and yet, we still never wore mosquito repellant and never got it….sooo……ya. I think if I’d worn repellant for 30 years out of fear, I’d have some kind of reaction to those harsh chemicals, so I’m going to stick with my more natural approach unless the mosquitoes are really bad. Se la vie.
As humans, we all have fears. I had them long before we were nomads, just like you likely do sometimes—fears for the health of your loved ones perhaps, your finances, your job situations, etc. It’s what we do with these fears that matters. I’m thankful that hard times have taught me to control my mind when these spirals start to occur—to focus on the present, the likely, the controllable aspects. To live, itself, is to constantly take mitigated risks.
For almost a week, I battled a headache, off and on fever and bathroom runs—all those days to just ponder our life.
More than once I went down the path of “What the hell are we doing? Why are we here in Bali? Why aren’t we with our family? What makes us think we have what it takes to live as nomads? Is this really what we are meant to be doing? Will it be okay? What if [this, or that] happens? What if [a,b,c,d,e,f,g,….] happens? What if we die? What if Tim dies and I’m alone? Or vice versa? Yes, I cried in his arms begging him not to die…I’m telling you the full, sorry truth. I. FELT. VULNERABLE.
The other (more sane?) part of my mind was saying, “Look, it could’ve been worse….you don’t even need a doctor….you’re in a lovely resort with people willing to make you peanut butter toast and mash up a potato and those little green bananas even taste like regular yellow ones!” Really, we’ve gone over 8 months with barely a sniffle while in new places and on public transportation—I think our immune systems are strong.
But I was already getting a little homesick. There, I admitted it. There have been tears.
From a financial and practical viewpoint, being in this region for 13 months made—still makes!—absolute sense. And I’m a pretty pragmatic person. BUT.
But I sense the kids missing us. Our daughter really does. And I long to hold my grandbabies, and my kids. Our grandson turned 2 and granddaughter 6 months, a couple weeks ago. We’ll miss the new grandson being born in July. We can’t be there for everything and have this nomad life, but even as we’re living life MUCH more cheaply than in the U.S., the real cost is emotional.
Our oldest just turned 30 and all the kids were together until yesterday. So great to see but also a reminder of what we miss. I think about 8 months at a time is enough and we should try to visit home around then. It’s a long wait until November and we’ll have to continue to keep our thoughts and feelings in check, but we’ll all be fine and carry on with video calls and focus on the daily wonders of life. We have to.
Yesterday was quite a wondrous day! We went snorkeling right off the beach of our hotel here in Amed, Bali, and saw one of the most diverse arrays of fish we’ve ever seen! It’s like all the fish we’ve seen in the Caribbean, South Pacific, and Great Barrier Reef came over here to play with some new friends we’d never encountered before. And TWO SEA TURTLES! Incredible! All this, just under the surface, a short swim out from our $27/night hotel. Magical. Wondrous! We had delicious seafood for dinner too—you can’t beat grilled lobster, beachfront ($40 for dinner for 2—a big splurge here!).
We’re getting our mojo back! Feeling more confident again. Making plans for our visit home so it seems less far away. I guess I’d rather be sick in a beautiful place with hotel service after all. I would definitely rather recover in the sea with turtles and tropical fish than at work or hanging around the house alone in our former life. We ARE where we are supposed to be. We are counting our blessings and letting this be a reminder of our priorities and healthy habits.
We’ve moved on to the next place, both physically and metaphorically, where we continue our journey, leaving fear and doubts in the dust (well, it’s Bali…we might’ve left them in a jungle). Because we know that if we were not on this journey, we’d also have fears and doubts, about missing the road not travelled.
We’ll talk more later…I’ve got a date with a sea turtle….
