The Storm Within Me
Because I wanted to know, before becoming nomads…
So I promised this blog would always expose the honest emotions of our nomad life…
We’re holed up in our room today as a storm rages outside. I believe this is Day 7 of almost constant rain and wind. There’s a beauty in it—especially as the hot, dry, thirsty valley in California we called home left us starved for rain most years. I’ve always loved the cleansing power of a good storm (especially one that cleaned the solar panels for free!).
Our first month-long stay (of 3 in a row), here on a little island in Cambodia, has been just the downtime we’ve needed after moving almost once a week for the past 3 months. It’s a beautiful paradise, with virtually nothing to do but relax or work on YouTube/website stuff. I just want to relax.
Ironically, to be honest, it’s been the hardest month so far, the 12th month since we began our nomad life. I’ve been really exhausted. My mind has not been sharp. My raw emotions leak out my eyes daily.
Even during the first two weeks of beautiful weather in this paradise, a storm was brewing inside of me.
Have you ever noticed that when you slow down, whether on vacation, or after a job ends or your kids leave for college etc, all the past “stuff/emotions” you thought you’d dealt with suddenly come roaring back for another round of self-analysis? Suddenly, that peace and quiet you were so excited about stirs up into a turbulent internal force from which you have nowhere to run? Stuff from my childhood, marriage, parenting, grief over losses, etc.---wham!—hit with it all.
Because when you have time to just drift, relax, think, it can be dangerous.
But I mostly took it out on YouTube. Despite the fact we’ve never had a mean comment, I sometimes feel vulnerable being “out there,” especially naked of makeup. And even more so if I’m editing a video I made myself (like the planning series) because it fully taxes my brain as well as my emotions—and my brain is really tired.
In fact, we just taped a video* on traveling with mild cognitive impairment and how to deal with it, because that’s what we live with. Stress and fatigue really ramp it up. So why not throw it out there to the world to be even more vulnerable?!
At least it delayed the work I still needed to do on the Planning: Saving Money video* because I really didn’t have it in me (but it’s done now too). I thought we are supposed to be retired?! We don’t even make money off YouTube….so I hope it at least helps others. I’m trying to step back and leave it 100% in Tim’s hands—it’s his hobby, after all, not mine.
But that was just the issue I focused on. Really, it’s so much deeper. So deep I still am not sure what’s in the bottom of that cavern. Guilt, for one. Our 3rd grandchild was born yesterday. We aren’t there with our kids. We’ll meet this grandson when he’s 4 months old.
Yep, we are pretty much sh*t grandparents, no matter how hard we try. And parents. We have understanding kids, we have a budget to consider and lots of practicalities that would exist even if we were in the U.S., and we video call with them all frequently. Our other grandkids totally know us by video calls—even the 9-month-old we last saw when she was 2 days old. But I can’t kiss their sweet little heads and smell their hair and feel the hugs.
All that said, for a multitude of reasons I would not want to leave our nomad lifestyle. I don’t regret it (see my brain video* for more explanation). But we probably need to make a few adjustments in how long we stay away. We’ll get to see them all several times between November and March, before we head to Europe for only about 8 months this next round.
And if I’m feeling guilty about that, I might as well pile on everything else emotional, right? I’d barely been holding it together last month before we got here and had taken two weeks off of doing anything that required mental or emotional energy. I still couldn’t face any projects so I also gave myself the first week here.
Like I said, when you slow down to rest, it can be dangerous. The storm winds in my mind began to blow—and they blew the top right off of Pandora’s box. That three weeks helped a little regarding YouTube but my mind was still in a vulnerable state.
Being a nomad and facing this storm is different though, from prior life. Because Tim is with me 24/7. He sees it. He feels it in me. He has time to listen and care. That’s a big change. Instead of the emotions bubbling over in frustration at daily tasks (or him!), they pour out honestly, and they are supported. We talk them through together.
It turns out he has experienced some of the same storms here. Because a month of time relaxing can be dangerous, as can a storm. But it can also be cleansing, and healing. Walking against that wind can make us stronger. The battering rain might be painful, but it hides a multitude of tears and leaves us feeling spent, and clean, with a spark of energy that seeks the sun again.
Travel grows you, but not just by expanding your horizons and understanding of other cultures. Not just by revealing your own biases and the propaganda you’ve been exposed to….
…but maybe mostly by giving you time to just be, to think and to feel, to have to face all that is inside of you and work through it. By washing you in cleansing storms.
*These 2 videos will post very soon to our Taste Life With Us YouTube channel. Please subscribe and hit the notification bell so you don’t miss them if you are interested in either one.
