Finding Myself Again
Most social interactions on the nomad road are temporary. In fact, meeting people on a cruise is so temporary that Tim and I were joking that we could make up different stories about our life for each person we met. It would be fun to make up an alternate past, different careers, places lived, etc. Unfortunately, our memories aren’t good enough to keep that sorted out should we be seated with the same couple twice! And we’d be laughing too hard to come off as authentic!
As a nomad, I left all my social structures behind—the people who know me, the daily habits that defined me, the accountability of the various “groups” I informally belonged to—at one point I was suddenly struck by the freedom to re-invent myself.
Even though most people in my “normal life” knew only a piece of me, all those pieces made me who I was. I say “was” because I shed many of those pieces of myself when I embraced a nomad life. I’m no longer a neighbor. I’m no longer a co-worker or employee. I have left every local social group I was part of. I don’t even see my friends in person anymore. I’m no longer constantly subject to one of my adult children stopping by or even calling, thus accountable to being the mom they expect me to be.
As a nomad, every element of social action is controllable. You can call or accept calls, texts, messages, etc. when you want to. I don’t even keep my phone on at night for my kids anymore. I always had them as exceptions from my nightly “Do Not Disturb” in case they had an emergency. But if they have one now, there’s nothing I can do from across the world—they must depend on each other. And if they do call in the middle of the night it’s most likely they forgot the 6–9-hour time difference.
Surprisingly we have formed nomad friendships that can continue when we cross paths.
I am the most authentic, transparent person ever (you know—over-sharer—as I’m proving once again right now). Still, there are many, many parts of me. Some are irrelevant in this life (homeschool mom, sports mom, bookkeeper, etc.). How to pick and choose which parts I keep buried and which I put forth in these new friendships? Which parts do I not really like, and try to moderate? Which parts are self-improvement projects in the works?
One crazy aspect is that OLD parts of me have re-emerged now that I’m foot-loose and fancy-free. Well, I’m not sure exactly what that means but it sounds like how I feel. Without stress and schedules and responsibilities, I find myself dancing again. I find myself throwing caution and bedtime to the wind occasionally, giving in to a “second wind” and a couple of lemon drops at 10 pm that get me into a bit of trouble.
Let’s be real….this freedom is like going off to college where no one knows you and your parents can’t see what you’re doing. The angel and devil sitting on your shoulders really go to war!
To be honest, the most crazy piece of myself (that hasn’t been allowed out too much since college) really wants to play! At the risk of sounding like I have multiple personalities (I swear I don’t), that wild girl can be really hard to handle. She’s fun alright, but not very wise! The rest of me has gotten older and wiser (okay, also less physically agile), and maybe that wild girl shouldn’t be allowed to assert herself! But oh, she’s so much fun….
I guess that angel/devil, crazy fun/older & wiser, battle must help me figure out who this new, “free to be me” self is supposed to be. Not to become someone I’m not, or to change the core of myself, but to really dial in on which parts of me belong in my nomad life. I don’t think Tim really enjoys “mom” me showing up so much with overly cautious rules. On the other hand, I don’t think he likes the overly reckless “wild” me that shows up 10 minutes after the lecture on safety and proceeds to ignore the cautions.
It's a dilemma I’ve been struggling with as I transition to “nomad” me. At the age of 57, thought I’d really “found myself” long ago and felt consistently whole and true. Now, I’m a little unmoored again (okay, literally unmoored!) I guess I’m so complicated that I can’t even figure MYSELF out!
Today, though. Today I met some amazing local women in Alotau, Papau New Guinea. Tears rolled down my face as we made an instant spiritual connection. We talked of what matters most. Before I left, we all expressed our love for one another. As I walked away, I was reminded that this, THIS, is the essence of who I am.
The angel and devil on my shoulders will undoubtedly keep battling, but today the angel won. And I hope she always, usually, does.
